Operation: Get Carlisle's Goat
by IPaintEdward
Summary: Entry for the St. Patty's/April Fool's Countdown. Emmett is determined to play an April Fool's joke this year after having been thwarted too many times in the past. How will he get past Alice and Edward's abilities? Hmmm . . .


**Disclaimer: SM owns everything Twilight. Me, I don't own a damn thing. But I do get to play.**

**A/N: Okay, this is my first ever posted writing. I have so many people to thank, and I can't believe I'm actually doing this! First, my thanks to Robot Moose, WickedWriterChick, my non-Twi friend who wishes not to be named (LOL) and NicNicD for prereading, beta-ing and generally talking me off the ledge. BreathofTwilight - awesomesauce just oozes out of your pores. Thank you for egging me on, not taking no for an answer, and insisting that I could do this. HA! We'll see. I don't think I could have written this without Kellan's delivery of the cheesy line, "I already installed it in your car." I cringe every time, but it shows what a goof Emmett is. So, on with the show . . .**

"There has to be a way . . ." I grumble to myself as I approach the house, quietly, to be sure no one hears me. Somehow, I'm not sure how, I have to get around my brother and sister's 'talents'. Wouldn't want them to screw everything up, again. Alice and her damnedable future sight, and Edward and his reading my mind all the fucking time...there has to be a way around them. I know Alice is able to shut Edward out by reciting shit in her mind; I've never been able to do that. He always knows what I'm thinking. Hell, he's probably hearing what I'm thinking right now. I don't know that anyone is able to shut down Alice, though. You can ask her not to look, but, sure as shit, if _I _do, she'll look all the harder.

I don't think she trusts me any farther than she can throw me, and that wouldn't be far; even if she is a strong little shit.

You see, April 1st is fast approaching, and I've always wanted to pull a prank on my family. I haven't been able to pull a prank since . . . well, since before that damned bear. It used to be the highlight of my year, back when I was human; pulling pranks on friends and family members alike. It's been a long, fucking dry spell.

Like I said, there is no way I can pull one on either Edward or Alice, and if I tried one on Rosalie, well, let's just say it would be a _long dry spell_ of a different sort. Jasper, yeah, so not gonna happen. He _feels_ fucking everything. Can't put this over on him. Esme is so sweet and kind, I couldn't do anything to her.

That only leaves Carlisle, my dad for all intents and purposes. Like I said, this is going to be a tough one. What would really get his goat? He always seems to take everything in stride. Never gets ruffled about anything. The only person I can think of who might be willing to help is Esme. I wander up to her office/workshop, knocking tentatively on the door.

"Esme? Gotta minute?" This is her creative space, and I don't want to disturb her if she's working.

"Come on in, Emmett. You know I always have time for you." She's always so accommodating and sweet. "What's on your mind?"

"Okay, Esme, so... I'm not exactly sure how to approach this, but I've been dying to pull an April Fools prank for _years_. I haven't been able to because my plans have always been foiled by either Edward or Alice, or both." I sit down in one of the overstuffed chairs and hold my head in my hands. Maybe I can play on her sympathies. I am not expecting the chuckling that I hear, then it escalates to downright belly-laughs. She's laughing at me. "What?"

"Oh, Em, I'm sorry. You just look so dejected. So, exactly who were you planning on pranking, anyway?"

I explain to her my reasoning, and she agrees that Carlisle is the perfect choice. She even has an idea that just might work . . . Time to get the whole family involved.

It seems that, around the time Carlisle was turned, England and Ireland weren't on the best of terms. And even though Carlisle is mild-mannered and accepting of so much, he really can't stand things that are intrinsically Irish. What could be more intrinsically Irish than Leprechauns? Okay, now we're really on to something.

With Alice's help, this whole thing is going to start on St Patrick's Day. You know how Alice likes to decorate and throw parties. Yeah, we'll have a party for St. Patrick's Day. Leprechaun's and four-leaf clovers will abound. Since most of the attendees will be the kids from Forks High, we can't really do the green beer thing. Well we could, however, I doubt the mother in Esme will allow it. But green gingerale will suffice, right?

I start researching online for any decorations or trinkets having to do with Leprechauns. Finally, I find it. Well, actually I find _them_. I order every Leprechaun lawn ornament and figurine I can find. We'll have them everywhere; I can't wait to see the look on Carlisle's face. I also find some interesting Leprechaun costumes, one in particular I can't wait to see Rose in.

I really need to talk to Edward to enlist his help; every time I see him he has a smirk on his face, as though he's secretly enjoying the whole idea. Since he seems to be enjoying it, I ask him to go hunting with me, and as soon as we are far enough away that no one can hear us, I ask him directly his thoughts on this prank. I know he already knows I'm going to ask, so I just put it out there, out loud.

"So, bro, whaddaya think? You wanna help out with this little game?"

"See, Em. I just would never think of pulling these sorts of pranks. Not that I don't enjoy them, it just never enters my mind to do it. So, yeah, I think this will be a blast. I'm not so much looking forward to the party, but the April Fool's prank, count me in on that one, for sure."

I slap him on the back, and we take off again; he's looking for mountain lion, and I'm looking for that fucking bear. Or one just like him.

The day of the party finally arrives, and Alice is in her element. The house looks like a drunken Leprechaun threw up after a night of celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Everything is covered in white and green twinkling lights, four leaf clovers, and the statue and knick-knack Leprechaun's I ordered online. Yeah, and while I was at it, I ordered costumes for everyone. We're all dressed to the teeth in green with gold buttons, gold buckles on our shoes and stovepipe hats with big gold buckles there, too. Edward, Jasper and I all have the Meerschaum pipes to complete the look. I didn't want to push the issue, yet, with Carlisle, so he doesn't have a costume. The party alone is enough to have him gagging on his deer-blood cocktail! He just sits in his office, gritting his teeth and keeping out of everyone's way.

The party is a rousing success. All the kids from school are having the time of their lives. You know they couldn't miss the chance to see where 'the Cullens live' now could they? So, I'm spending the party watching my Rose. _Man, what was I thinking when I ordered that costume?_ I find myself spending the night hangin' behind the refreshment table; 'cuz if I were out in the general populace, everyone would know exactly what was on my mind. Watching her in that costume has me so hard I can't even adjust myself into any sort of comfortable position. Rose knows it, too. See there, she's bending over and shoving that bodacious ruffle-covered ass of hers in my direction.

Every time she moves, she sets up another fucking fantasy and my dick twitches. _Twitch._ Shit. I have to get her out of here, and soon. How long are these fucking humans going to hang around?

Finally, the last guest fucking leaves. I wave good-bye to Mike Newton, snatch my personal Leprechaun in my arms, and am upstairs with her, bouncing her on the bed, before Mike even gets the engine turned over in his car. After tossing Rose on the bed, I stalk her, "Do you have any idea what you've been doing to me all night? The fucking ruffles. Your cleavage attempting to free itself from the front of your vest?"

"Aw, Baby," she purrs, "Why did you buy it for me if it was going to be so _hard_ for you?" She crawls on her hands and knees to the foot of the bed, licking those luscious pouty lips. _Twitch._ I can just feel those lips wrapped around my cock, slipping up and down, sucking; her tongue circling the head on each upstroke. _Twitch._ "Come over here. I want you where I can touch you."

God, I thought she'd never ask.

Faster than lightning, I'm standing at the foot of the bed with my pants and boxers around my ankles, my dick waving and saluting her at its proudest. I reach out to slip my fingers down the front of her costume, between her breasts, into the cleavage that has taunted me all evening. Though I've seen and felt these breasts, this cleavage, for years, it never fails to amaze and excite me. Slipping my fingers between them is nearly as good as slipping my dick between her folds. Her vest is pressing the luscious creamy flesh tightly together; enveloping my fingers and almost seeming to form a sort of suction on them as I start to remove them. _Twitch, twitch!_ Just as I slip my fingers between her breasts a second time, she takes me into her mouth.

Dear God!

After the torture of watching my Rose all evening, it amazes me that I don't blow my load immediately. Breathing deeply, though I needn't breathe at all, helps me to center myself and stave off my impending orgasm. Not that I don't want to orgasm, not at all, but who wouldn't want to prolong the sensation of her lips and tongue on their dick? I certainly do!

I wind one fist into her long blond curls and rest the other on her shoulder. My hand in her hair helps set the rhythm that best suits me right now, slowing her down a bit, making me last that much longer. The hand on her shoulder draws small circles on her shoulder and collar bone, letting her know how much I appreciate that she's giving this to me.

As much as I love what that sexy little mouth is doing, I'm finding I need to change it up. I pull her head back gently, using the hand wrapped in her curls.

"Baby, lie back for me. I need to attend to those ruffles."

Said ruffles cover both the front and back of the panties at which I am currently staring. I couldn't tell before, but the panties only just barely cover the crack of her ass. Barely covering the landing strip to my heaven in the front. I ghost my hands over them, feeling the silkiness as well as the rougher texture of the lace. Running my hands up and down her inner thighs, I watch as her chest rises and falls more quickly with each pass.

Pulling the crotch of the panties to the side, I swipe my tongue over her lips, just tasting what has seeped out to soak through her panties.

It's magically delicious! It's a wonder it isn't running down the inside of her thighs, she's so wet.

Pressing a little harder, I swipe my tongue over the same path; this time parting her lips and ending with a swirl around her hard nub at the top. A gasp escapes her, and I redouble my efforts. I lick, nip and swirl my tongue all around, in, over and under those lips, holding her hips down with my forearm so I can continue without chasing her all over the bed.

Her gasps are coming quicker, and I can feel her walls beginning to flutter against the fingers that I have enlisted in my campaign to bring her to orgasm. I concentrate my efforts on her clit, sucking it in my mouth and flicking my tongue over, and over it. With a shriek of my name, her walls clamp down so tightly it's all I can do to keep my fingers moving. I keep pumping my fingers slowly as she comes down from her high. Once she sighs her sated sigh, I roll her over, placing her on her chest.

Circling her waist with my arm, I lift and move her toward the head of the bed as I climb up behind her. Hitching her up to her knees, I slide those frilly panties off her body, very carefully; I want to save those for another time. She knows what I'm up to and spreads her knees apart so that I can kneel between her calves. I look and see that she's already fingering her own clit, anticipating my entry.

"Oh, man, Rose. Watching you fingering yourself is so hot. Keep it up, baby." I stroke myself a few times, circling the head with my thumb, watching her.

Not able to wait any longer, I slide my dick up and down the wetness before me, slathering myself in her juices before plunging myself deep within her chasm. I close my eyes and wait out the latest urge to orgasm, before beginning to pull out and slide back into that warm, wet channel. I set a slow rhythm, as I want this to last forever, or at least as long as possible. She takes me so deep this way.

Rose is moaning, now. _Jesus, she's hot. _"Em, you feel so good. You fill me just right. Just a little more, baby. Yes! Just like that!"

God, I love it when she talks to me that way. She begins to spasm around me, and I begin to feel the tightening start in my balls. As if she has a sixth sense, Rose reaches between our legs and begins to stroke my sac, gently squeezing then tugging. It's too much. I can't hold back when she does that. Her pussy clamps down on my dick. The tightening accelerates, and soon, much too soon for my liking, I'm pumping frantically, jerking without rhythm, as my orgasm erupts from me along with a growled, "Rose!"

Spent, I lower both of us to our sides, still nestled within her. Though I'm beginning to soften, I smile because I know that this isn't the end of our night.

The next two weeks just fly by, during which we all prepare for our little prank. Finally, the time has come for the sneak attack on Carlisle's sensibilities. I can't help the goofy grin permanently etched on my face. The others are smiling, or smirking, too. Thank goodness he has left for the hospital; I don't think I can hold back my jubilance much longer. Of course, we let the rest of the emergency room staff in on our little prank, and enlist their help as well.

As much as they love the good doctor, they are as eager as we are to pull this one off.

We've provided them with small cameras to place in each of the exam rooms along with miniature microphones so we can all see, hear and record his reactions to the situations we will provide for him. We've tested the cameras and mics to make sure we have a strong signal, everything is set, and we're ready to go. Those of us not immediately needed will be sitting in the van in the hospital parking lot, watching it all unfold.

Of course, Carlisle will be hampered by his need to move at human speed. The rest of the staff, even knowing what we are up to, won't be able to see the speed at which we work. We have enlisted the assistance of an honest-to-goodness Leprechaun, Dervla, whom Alice met prior to coming to our family, to pull this off. He's dressed in what would seem to be classic Leprechaun garb. Really, it's a child's costume.

We get the patient set up in the first exam room, he's moaning and groaning, writhing as if he's in pain when Carlisle makes his cheery entrance. And his face falls. Quickly schooling his features, he slips back into doctor mode.

"So," checking the chart, "Dervla, where, exactly, does it hurt?" he continues in his most compassionate, understanding voice.

Dervla points to his abdomen, indicating an area approximately where his appendix would be. Carlisle gently probes the area, frowning, to which our Leprechaun emits another high pitched howl. Somewhat taken aback by his patient's reaction, he clucks soothingly and assures Dervla that all will be well and that they will take good care of him. Assuring him of his imminent return, Carlisle, at human-speed, hurries to the nurses' station to order tests and jot down his notes on the chart.

The minute Carlisle leaves the room, Dervla peeks out the door to make sure he is out of sight so he can move to the next room. At Leprechaun speed, he hops up onto the next exam room table, while Jasper prepares him for the doctor's arrival. This time, he is going to have a nasty rash on his arm.

Since he has to wait for the test results, Carlisle makes his way to the next patient. Entering the exam room while examining the chart, he says jauntily, "Well, Ian, what seems to be the problem today?" Looking up, he takes in his patient sitting on the exam table and scowls.

You can just see his thought process: _Didn't I just see this person? And wasn't his name Dervla?_

He looks back at the door he just entered, walks over, opens the door and checks the number of the room. Ever the professional, Carlisle shakes his head and continues with the exam. Diagnosing a minor rash, he applies a hydrocortisone ointment and writes a scrip to be filled. Assuring "Ian" that it should take care of the problem, and that if not, he should return after a week. The good doctor smiles and leaves the room to continue his notes back at the nurses' station.

The charge nurse assures Carlisle she will look into what's taking so long with Dervla's test results while the Leprechaun hightails it to the next exam room. Edward helps him get ready for the next installment of 'get Carlisle's goat'.

With a thoughtful, yet somewhat puzzled, look in his eyes, Carlisle makes his way to the exam room across the hall. Stopping outside the room, he reads what has been written on the chart thus far. He opens the door and his eyes seem to bug out of his head. 'Rory', the patient, is sitting on the exam table with a bloody dishtowel wrapped around his hand. The door hasn't even closed yet, and he checks it out, yet again. It appears he just can't believe his eyes.

At each turn, Carlisle is looking more and more perturbed. To any that don't know him, it wouldn't be obvious. But to those of us that know him so well . . . well, he's pissed! And not just a little bit, either.

Edward does an amazing job with the fake blood, well, not really fake, but the wound is. He used an expired unit of blood on the towel and 'Rory's' hand. At this point, however, it seems my dad has reached his breaking point. He turns on his heel and calls out for the charge nurse.

"Maria? Could you come in here, please?" As soon as she comes into the room he attacks, "What is the meaning of this, Maria? I've treated this same patient twice already, under different names."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Dr. Cullen. Your first patient is still waiting for you in Exam 1. Oh, and I just got the labs back. I'm sure you want to see them as soon as possible."

"Fine, Maria, would you please clean up this patient's hand for me? I'll be back as soon as I check the lab results."

We're all in the van laughing at the top of our lungs, but we need to make it into the hospital before Carlisle makes it back to Exam 1. Time for the big reveal!

Dervla hustles into Exam 1 and hops up onto the table, barely avoiding being caught by Carlisle. The door swings open and Carlisle strides inside, holding the 'test results' in his hand. They are obviously bogus, well, obvious to us, anyway. Go, Alice! "Well, Dervla, it appears that there isn't anything critically wrong. How's the pain?"

For the first time, Dervla opens his mouth and speaks, "Aye, Doc. It appears tha' thers nae to be a worryin' 'bout." In a thick Irish brogue, as he hops from the exam table, he continues, "May St. Patrick guard ye where'ere ye go, and guide ye in what'ere ye do--and may his lovin' protection be a blessin' to you a'ways." He skips out the door, leaving a dumbfounded Carlisle in his wake.

Dervla gives us a wink as he continues out the doors of the Emergency Room, whistling.

We all assemble outside Exam 1, waiting for Carlisle to appear. "April Fools!" we all shout at him as soon as he opens the door. We're joined by the rest of the ER staff, all smiling and laughing with us. He begins to bluster, then realizes the joke's on him, so to speak, and begins to laugh along.

Edward runs out to the van to get the recording of Carlisle's 'patient' interactions from this evening. Fortunately, it is actually a very slow night in the ER and we all sit down to watch Carlisle watch himself. When he sees himself walk in to examine 'Rory,' he breaks into a huge belly laugh. Relieved at his acceptance of the prank, we all laugh with him, high-fiving each other for the first successful April Fools prank in the Cullen family history. You know that shit's going on You-Tube!

**e/n Hope you got a giggle or two from this. Since it is my first posted work, and most of you probably already read it during the countdown, I'm just posting it here so others, later perhaps, might get a giggle from it. TTFN**


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